There’s a new addition coming to our house in August. A precious baby boy will soon join the ranks making us a family of 5. It goes without saying that every pregnancy is different, but emotionally this one has really surprised me. With M and W, the only emotion I really felt was pure joy. This one though has been like an onion. I didn’t even know all these layers existed.
The feeling I felt right after joy and awe was actually guilt, which was a brand new beginning of pregnancy feeling for me. I have very dear friends who desperately want one baby, just one, and here I am about to be welcoming my third. I too have struggled with infertility, and I know the feeling of watching everyone around you celebrate the one thing you want most in this world. I wondered how I would break the news to them, and I hoped that they would get pregnant first so that my news wouldn’t contribute to their struggles.
I felt so hopeful and humbled that I might be blessed with another healthy baby. M and W are the most incredible gifts. They are more than I ever dreamed of in children. They are the best (and sometimes the worst) parts of me and my husband, but they are everything, and they are wonderful. How in the world can it get any better than this? Asking for more blessings almost felt greedy when I already have so much.
This pregnancy has also felt very surreal. With M and W, I felt like we went to them. There was a lot of thought, hope, and prayer that went into each of those pregnancies. This one has been different in that I felt like from the very beginning that this baby was coming to us. From the beginning, it has seemed that this little soul has chosen us, and I have been the vessel both literally and figuratively. No one ever really feels in control during pregnancy, but this is especially true for me of this one. It all feels like it’s happening to me, and I am just showing up. There is a special purpose to this child, and that profound feeling that I have both excites me and overwhelms me.
I’ll be back at the starting line again beginning in August, well, actually behind the starting line. I think we all block out those newborn days, and when we are lucky enough to have them cross our paths again, we wonder if we can do it all over again. I did stop to think for a minute that next year there would be a few days a week that M and W would both be in school, and I was finally going to……. wait, nope. No time alone yet. I’ll get that again in about three more years. No rush.
Above all these very raw, real, and honest feelings that I have shared with you, I am truly humbled and grateful that I GET to have a baby again. I am so grateful that I GET to hold another baby in my arms and rock him to sleep. I am so grateful that I GET to enjoy time in those sacred morning hours when the whole house is asleep except for the two of us. I am so grateful that my children GET to welcome a new sibling to their sweet little dynamic. I am grateful that they will GET to learn even more about how to love, care, and nurture another precious baby. I am grateful that I GET to watch my husband hold a tiny baby in his big strong arms and fall in love with him just like he has with M and W. I am grateful that I GET to be surrounded by more laughter, more love, and more laundry. I am grateful that I GET to experience this miracle all over again.
A special note to those reading this who are fighting for the chance to have every emotion I just explained: We see you. You are not alone and not forgotten. You are a special kind of mama, because you, my friends, are warrior mamas who are fighting the most important battle long before most others even begin theirs. Keep the faith, keep hoping, keep praying. We love you.
Wherever you are in your family’s journey whether it is to manage what you have now or to grow and share the love, I wish you peace in all the emotions that you might feel. May they lead your heart to the right place, and may you forever have grace for yourself wherever you may be.
Find the joy~
Jessica
PS- I’m so excited to partner with Define Body and Mind to present The Tyke Top 10! Join us on March 28 at 10:00am to refresh your parenting soul and add a few more tools to your toolbox. We will tackle it all including sleep struggles, discipline, independence, and so much more. Click here for more information and please join me!
